The Love of a Man: Why Boys Need Fathers Who Know How to Love
Apr 15, 2025
Introduction
During a recent conversation on Clubhouse, an eclectic mix of professionals shared personal stories about love, proving that while we all experience it differently, love itself is a universal connector. Yet, one perspective rarely explored is the love of a man—particularly a father’s love—and how it helps boys grow into well-rounded, emotionally intelligent men.
Many of us learned about love from our mothers, whose nurturing style is seen as “unconditional.” Fathers, on the other hand, often convey love in ways that appear transactional, fuelled by cultural scripts that champion achievement and self-sufficiency over emotional vulnerability. But what happens when a boy grows up without seeing his father openly express love? Or when that father’s own upbringing lacked emotional guidance?
This article is for men who sense there’s more to masculinity than stoicism, and for fathers—and future fathers—who realise that how they love deeply influences their sons’ capacity for relationships, empathy, and self-worth.
A Father’s Influence on Sons
We often talk about mothers as the ultimate nurturers, yet fathers exert a powerful, often under-acknowledged impact on a child’s emotional development. Whether through active presence or noticeable absence, the father-son dynamic can shape a boy’s:
- Understanding of Intimacy: How openly a father shows affection to his partner teaches sons about respectful, loving relationships.
- Sense of Self-Worth: Fathers who only express love in transactional ways (e.g., only praising achievements) may inadvertently instil conditional self-esteem in their sons.
- Emotional Vocabulary: When fathers avoid emotional conversations, boys often grow up lacking the language to articulate feelings or navigate vulnerability.
Unconditional Love vs. Transactional Love
Mother’s Love
- Often seen as naturally unconditional.
- Instills a sense of belonging and acceptance.
- Encourages emotional openness from an early age.
Father’s Love (Typical Perception)
- Viewed as conditional: “If you do X, you’ll receive approval.”
- Can be tinged with societal or familial expectations (e.g., toughness, stoicism).
- May leave children questioning whether they are truly lovable without performing or achieving.
Personal Insight
I grew up feeling boundless love from my mother. My father’s love, on the other hand, felt contingent—something I had to earn. This discrepancy sparked shame, guilt, and insecurity in me for years until I recognised that my father had never been taught how to express unconditional love. He simply replicated what he had learned from his own upbringing.
The Hidden Impact of a Narcissistic or Absent Father
Men who grow up with narcissistic or emotionally distant fathers often struggle with:
- Self-Doubt: “Am I worthy of love, or do I need to keep proving myself?”
- Fear of Vulnerability: “If I show my true feelings, will I be criticised or rejected?”
- Relationship Struggles: Without a model for healthy intimacy, these men may replicate the same transactional patterns with romantic partners.
Yet, it’s not about blame; it’s about acknowledging how fathers influence us so we can move forward with insight, not bitterness.
Conscious Fatherhood: Leading by Example
Why Dads Matter More Than Ever
Society often places motherhood on a pedestal while downplaying the importance of fathers in emotional development. But boys who grow up seeing their fathers display empathy and loving affection—both to them and to their mother—gain a roadmap for healthy adult relationships.
Actionable Steps for Fathers
- Openly Express Affection: A simple hug or a verbal “I love you” can be transformative.
- Engage in Heartfelt Conversations: Ask your son about his feelings, and share yours in return.
- Show Love Toward Your Partner: How you treat your child’s mother teaches your son about respect, cooperation, and kindness in a partnership.
- Apologise & Forgive: Mistakes are inevitable. Showing humility and offering forgiveness demonstrates that love can endure conflict.
- Be Present: Even brief, focused quality time can outweigh hours of distracted presence.
Rewriting Masculinity Through Love
True masculinity, enriched with emotional awareness and compassion, can reshape not only individual families but also communities. Men who invest in their emotional evolution set an example that masculinity can be tender, supportive, and unconditionally loving.
Why It Matters
- Healthier Relationships: Emotionally secure men are more likely to co-create stable, loving partnerships.
- Legacy of Compassion: When boys witness balanced masculinity, they’re more likely to pay it forward in their own adult lives, raising future generations of healthier men and women.
- Broader Social Impact: A culture that values emotionally evolved men can help reduce cycles of aggression, fostering empathy and understanding at multiple social levels.
Conclusion
For many of us, the love of our mothers felt second-nature—unconditional and ever-present. The love of our fathers, however, can sometimes feel tangled in expectations, competition, or stoicism. Yet, the potential for fathers to offer unconditional love is boundless, and that love is essential for helping boys become men who understand that tenderness, empathy, and emotional openness are not weaknesses, but sources of profound strength.
Vaya Con Dios
May we continue challenging the old narratives that stifle men’s emotional growth. By choosing conscious fatherhood, by daring to redefine what it means to love from a masculine place, we set a new standard for future generations—one where the love of a man is not a question mark but a guiding light.
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