I find relationships fascinating in general. The manner in which we are socially steered into relating. The way we have systems imposed on us and are expected to conform. The moment we try to step away from the system all chaos breaks loose. How we define ourselves and have our social identity so deeply engrained in what other people think and feel is too remarkable. We are conscious of this all happening and yet we still conform.

One of the most challenging exercises for anyone in a family system or social system is ending relationships that aren’t serving you. What I mean by not serving you is simple:

1.     Are you giving all your time to this relationship and making yourself subordinate?

2.     Is there very little reciprocity from the other party in the relationship? 

3.     Do you feel there is an imbalance only to second guess yourself and keep on maintaining the friendship/relationship?

4.     Is your gut feeling always saying to you why am I actually here?

5.     Is this person growing at the same pace you are in life?

6.     Are they sapping all energy from you?

7.     Is there a balance in the relationship or is one side very narcissistic in nature?

8.     Do you always feel stuck between the interplay of being rescuer and then positioned as a victim?

9.     Can you be your authentic self or as you always hiding from parts of yourself?

10.  Are you always projected on as a sounding board for the other but when you try open up emotionally you are either overlooked or made to subordinate again?

These are some questions you can ask yourself when trying to assess the type of relationship you have with the people around you in your system.

These are not mutually exclusive questions as there are so many other factors that fall into our social systems. The key question to ask yourself is: is this person serving my growth or am I solely serving theirs?

A friend of mine many years ago said to me that all relationships are based on an exchange. I was very resistant to this because the romantic in me speaking from a full and abundant position didn’t like the potential fact that there had to be an exchange in order to maintain a relationship.

In part to this day I still fight with this potential truth, but the difference now is that when we are in a more abundant position we are more capable of giving more and this is why it is so important to learn how to love fully and give love fully. It becomes like a repetitive abundance making machine where the more we engage wit love and loving kindness the more fulfilled we feel and the more we can give and serve.

The problem comes in when we are depleted and because we’ve been in these systems for such a long time, we lose sight of who we are in relation to the person or people in question. 

We have to learn to dig deep in these situations and there are two positions that I’ve found have worked for me.

1.     Massimo’s relational rule which says: “meet the person in question on the percentage level they are providing you”. So, if they give 20% to the relationship meet them at 20% nothing more. If they are capable of offering 50% meet them at 50% but nothing more. This is particularly helpful in families when we feel that the biological ties are too strong to cut, but the relationships need a type of boundary instilled.

2.     The second option is being able to confront the individual and make sure they know you are ending the friendship and relationship. The primary reason for this is that we get emotionally corded to people in our lives and when we let go, this doesn’t mean they let go. This is what continues the binding process and keeps us stuck and potentially dragged back into the system.

The fundamental principle through all of this, is that we have to learn how to honour our needs, respect our hearts, care for our souls. If the people in our lives don’t adhere or value this there is an immediate lack of respect and the longer you stay in the cycle without placing the corrective boundaries, the longer you are abusing yourself.

Vaya Con Dios