The “Bermuda Triangle” in Families: Understanding and Overcoming Triangulation
Apr 15, 2025
The Bermuda Triangle in Families: Understanding and Overcoming Triangulation
The term "Bermuda triangle" often conjures images of ships and planes mysteriously disappearing. When applied to family dynamics, it describes a pattern of triangulation—a subtle but powerful relational strategy that can cause confusion, tension, and emotional rifts among family members. Below, we’ll explore how triangulation surfaces in families, why it’s so damaging, and how you can break free from this “three is a crowd” dynamic.
What Is Triangulation?
Triangulation is a psychological process in which one person sidesteps direct communication with another individual by involving a third party. This tactic typically:
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Reinforces the original person’s perspective or “side.”
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Confuses or distances the two people who should be working out their conflicts directly.
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Creates ongoing miscommunication and tension within the family, breeding anxiety and resentment.
Why Families Are Prone to Triangulation
In family settings—especially close-knit or high-conflict environments—emotions run deep. A parent may recruit a child’s emotional support or agreement to “prove” their point, or siblings might drag a third sibling into an argument. These alliances shift over time, leaving family members uncertain about their role or standing within the unit.
How Triangulation Works in Practice
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Person A is upset with Person B but, instead of speaking directly, they complain to Person C.
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Person C may offer sympathy or take sides, reinforcing A’s “victim” feelings or B’s “villain” status.
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Over time, B is marginalised, forming an “outsider,” or B might fight back by recruiting other allies, broadening the conflict.
This pattern fosters hidden agendas, encourages gossip, and cripples honest dialogue—eventually destabilising the entire family dynamic.
The Consequences of Family Triangulation
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Communication Breakdown
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Direct, healthy conversation is replaced by whispers, blame, and alliances, leaving real problems unresolved.
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Emotional Tension
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Individuals feel pressured to “choose sides” or navigate a shifting set of alliances. Anxiety and distrust escalate.
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Stunted Conflict Resolution Skills
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Without practising direct, mature dialogue, family members struggle to handle future disagreements effectively.
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A Path to Insecure Attachment
Children, in particular, learn that loyalty is conditional and alliances are fleeting—sometimes forming anxious or avoidant attachment styles. They might carry these relational habits into adult life, impacting friendships, romantic partnerships, and even workplaces.
Recognising the “Bermuda Triangle” in Your Family
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Repeated “Third-Party” Scenarios
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Notice if you or others frequently pull in a sibling, child, or parent to “back up” your position.
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Feelings of Guilt or Pressure
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You experience an unspoken expectation to affirm one person’s complaint, or you become the “go-between” for two battling relatives.
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Cycles of Inclusion & Exclusion
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The triangle might ally with or exclude a specific family member, creating emotional whiplash and social fragmentation.
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Breaking Free from Triangulation
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Identify Triangular Patterns
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Awareness is the first step. Mentally track when you see or feel someone being roped in to settle a conflict that should be handled directly.
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Opt Out of the Triangle
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If you sense you’re being drawn into someone else’s dispute, politely say, “I love you both, but I think this is something you need to sort out together.”
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Reinforce that you’re not picking a side or ignoring them; you’re simply encouraging healthier communication.
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Reinforce Direct Communication
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Encourage your family members: “It might help if you both sat down and worked this out directly—I can step back so you can talk freely.”
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When a parent tries to recruit a child’s validation, gently steer them toward the spouse or the person they’re in conflict with.
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Be Mindful of Transferred Emotions
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Families share emotional energy—someone else’s anger or anxiety can be transferred onto you. Notice if you suddenly feel tension or guilt you can’t fully account for. Pause to discern what’s truly yours from what’s possibly projected onto you.
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Long-Term Strategies for Family Harmony
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Cultivate a Culture of Transparency
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Normalise honest conversations and check-ins. Relatives are less likely to triangulate if they believe direct talks are welcomed, not shamed.
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Family Meetings or Therapy
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Whether formal or casual, bringing everyone together to discuss big issues can reduce clandestine alliances.
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A family therapist can point out triangulation patterns and coach you in stable, direct communication.
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Encourage Emotional Maturity
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If someone tries to form a triangle (“Your mother is so impossible!”), calmly respond with empathy but gently redirect them to speak directly to the person in question.
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Model healthy communication for younger members, so they witness constructive conflict resolution.
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Self-Reflection
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If you find yourself often triangulating others, ask, “Am I avoiding telling Person B directly how I feel?” Challenge your discomfort with direct conversation.
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Conclusion
Triangulation—famously likened to the “Bermuda triangle” in families—creates confusion, tension, and indirect hostility. Instead of transparent communication, third parties get roped in, alliances shift, and genuine conflict resolution remains elusive. The good news? Awareness and commitment to direct, respectful communication can break the cycle. Whether it’s removing yourself from a “three’s-a-crowd” confrontation or fostering safe, family-wide dialogue, dismantling triangulation ultimately paves the way for a healthier, more cohesive family environment.
Vaya Con Dios
Keep in mind, family patterns can feel deeply ingrained, yet small, consistent efforts—like encouraging relatives to talk face-to-face—can radically transform a fractious household. By ending triangulation, you’ll forge more honest, resilient connections for everyone involved.
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