We have become too flippant with the usage of the term Narcissist. We attach this word to any behaviour that we identify as being ego centric but very few people understand the real difficulty behind diagnosing someone with this type of personality disorder.

There is a further dilemma when we observe this personality disorder from the perspective of the person diagnosed with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) versus the perspective of the person in relationship to the diagnosed. 

The excerpt below gives you an indication of the difficulty in diagnosis when using a model like the DSM-5 (diagnostic manual used to diagnose mental disorders).

“The DSM-5 Section II (APA, 2013) approach to diagnostic classification of NPD has focused on counting pathological traits and symptoms in order to make a categorical diagnosis of personality disorder. This approach describes a rather narrow and homogeneous group of individuals, characterised by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration, entitlement, and lack of empathy. However, while these criteria capture important aspects of narcissistic pathology, it is generally agreed that this approach fails to cover the broad range of patients receiving the diagnosis (Ronningstam, 2009; Westen & Arkowitz-Westen, 1998), and also fails to address impairments in self-regulation and affect regulation that can characterise NPD (Cain et al., 2008; Pincus, Cain, & Wright, 2014; Ronningstam, 2009), including vulnerable self-esteem, feelings of inferiority, emptiness, boredom, affective reactivity, emotional distress, and rage”. 

Now when we bring in the added comorbidity of the perverse, we face an additional dilemma which makes the situation even more difficult to manage because there is almost an obsessive and desperate need to express the perversion. The core message behind this blog post is to acknowledge that there needs to be an escape for the individual under the provocation and control of the narcissist but also a potential treatment for the narcissist struggling with their learnt behaviours.

What is the narcissistic pervert?

The life that these individuals have cultivated revolves around the construction of a potentially impenetrable wall of behaviours and thinking that when analysing such an individual, it is almost as though h they have constructed an alternate reality but are hell-bent on manipulating everyone around them to be in accordance with.

When you encounter someone, who has become a natural at working 24 hours a day on their strategy of manipulation leaves us with no other judgement than thinking this is only predatory in nature. There is a cunning and hyper intelligence backing the narcissistic pervert, whereby they are not only very rational but highly strategic, usually without consequence.

They will do anything to seduce and incorporate their victim into their pride of followers, continually destroying the people they meet. This is founded on the careful selection of particular types of individuals who generally have a weaker sense of self but yet either prove to be an enjoyable challenge or someone who they can exploit in any way they see fit. 

It is unfortunate but there is a conscious choice where they will use their strategic intelligence to acquire what they want while upholding their armour around their emotional core. There is a very deep seated emotional wound that is completely buried and anyone who presses on this will be made to feel punished and ultimately subordinate against them.

Most of this behaviour, although difficult to diagnose rests on the narcissists ability to dissociate. They are completely dissociated from their emotions (except anger and rage most of the time), and this type of learnt behaviour can be the product of years of learning how to dissociate from feeling trauma.

Although the forgivable stance of suggesting that the narcissistic pervert has been made to be victimised due to their very real traumas they have faced in life, such as experiencing trauma in their childhood, does not suggest for one second that NPD just happened to them. On the contrary, there was a calculated choice where this individual works in total denial of their body, their feelings, their emotions and their basic needs. Furthermore, they completely deny their mind (other than the story they have re-scripted themselves with), their creative thought and any form of philosophic reasoning which could unmask the core pain. 

What people will experience from the narcissistic pervert is a mechanical process which has no empathy towards others and someone who never questions the fundamental intention behind their behaviour or thinking. We can speculate that these individuals are people who have experienced trauma through their family relationships with either physical or verbal violence (or both), but e cannot deny that a very drastic choice was made to protect themselves. This choice was the completely dissociate themselves from their emotions and move towards feelings of no remorse on their quest to inflict control, pain and harm.

The irony is that when these characters are confronted, they will display such a deeply engrained set of beliefs and try convince you of their lived world and that this is the reality that we should all follow. Moreover, not recognising that they have done anything wrong, but knowing full well that they are doing something. 

A problem with our current society is that the system we find ourselves in actually promotes this type of behaviour and the manner in which these individuals choose to live their lives only reinforces their ability to continue toying with people. You can take dating apps as an example, there is a myriad of potential victims ready and waiting to be picked off and the narcissist doesn’t even need to leave the comfort of their own home. Moreover, they can hide themselves behind being super successful and driven and have this as a buffer for the limited time they have to invest in a deep relationship. So, the only relationships that ever are achieved are very superficial and shallow. 

I am by no means ruling out the possibility that many of the individuals diagnosed with NPD have a potential to change if they want to, through the investment of their energy in re-correcting past beliefs and thinking patterns, but there is a more real likelihood that many will never present to a therapist with the desire to change something. There is more likelihood of them trying to seduce their therapist into their belief system to assert their power and maintain their innocence.

Lured by Nemesis (an aspect of Aphrodite, the goddess of revenge), it was only when narcissus looked at himself in the mirror like waters of the river that he saw his reflection and feel in love with himself only to die at the bank of the river. He later turned into a narcissus flower as a reminder of his story. 

Central to this story is the role of Aphrodite. Revenge is a common characteristic of these types of individuals, and although the story is about teaching Narcissus a lesson, it is almost as though revenge is adopted by the narcissist to inflict pain on the people that become their victims. 

The most profound advice that I can give to you with regards to narcissists in general, is RUN. If you have become awakened to the cycle that you find yourself in, make the necessary plans to leave the situation because although you will have a part of you that wishes to rehabilitate this person, just don’t. Many times, the allure of understanding the behaviour and fixing the issue keeps us stuck in the cycle. Tell people around you. Keep maintaining family and friendships and relationships away from the narcissist because they will do everything to ensure that you are cut off from your love foundation so that a very solid dependency is created on them.

If you need to talk, please get in touch because this is a very difficult trap to get out of alone.