Our responsibly to honour our sexual self

The sexual self is more often than not overlooked through our lives. Regardless of whether you are 75 or 18, the same principle applies to you. None of us are immune to the neglect we experience when coming into our sexual selves.

It would seem that the world is awakening slowly to the need to focus on our sexuality and honour our sexual selves regardless of the manner in which we define our sexual self. However, there is still such a deeply engrained value system that is contrary to new age teachings that most of us show a real resistance to wanting to explore the deeper side of our sexuality.

The one fundamental position that I find to be very influential on who we present to the world is the family interplay and the role of the family.

As a basic grounding for understanding the role of the family and the interplay on our sexuality we need to first understand that when it comes to family, much like other social systems there is a direct pull on feelings of guilt and shame. They are two emotions that can be readily drawn on to ensure that we conform and can be controlled under the value system of the family. Most of the time the family system is so deeply engrained in us and our parents that we naturally adopt this manner of seeing the world. We adopt shame that is not necessarily down to our making, but it somehow infiltrates us and becomes us.

Once you begin to respond to that gut feeling of discomfort that something is not fitting well with your value system and begin to scratch the surface you will soon find what you’re looking for. There will be an abundance of patterns that are keeping you intertwined in the mix of the family system. Moreover, you will have a particular role that you play perfectly well, whether this is a scapegoat position or someone who is highly regarded in the family. Regardless of the position, you are an important part in maintaining the status quo of how the family is functioning. 

The problems begin to arise when you’ve realised what has been maintained by the family system but begin trying to break away from the system. This causes the most disrupt to the status quo. This is because unconsciously the family has reached a state of balance or equilibrium and now the system is closed to external influence and equally internal adjustment and betterment. This is why many families continue in the same fashion for many years before a major rupture happens and the family has to re-equilibrate. This could come in the form of a death, finding a new partner, divorce or even a child moving away, but it almost always is reduced to some kind of change that allows for a readjustment to happen. If the person trying to break away isn’t conscious enough to make the necessary adjustments in themselves through therapy or personal development and reflection, they will inevitably fall back into the role they have been so deeply conditioned to be and follow. 

This just highlights the power of the family system in maintaining the problems that arise in the family, and in many instances there will be a scapegoat type of mentality where family members will gang up on and target one person regardless of the explanation. 

The key in this situation is recognising that you have your own mind and feelings apart from your families. This does not mean that you have to follow their belief system or value system but it equally doesn’t mean that you have to try and change their perspectives to gain acceptance for the things that you want to be or explore. 

We often make the mistake of trying to get approval for the choices we want to make because they are so contrary to the way the family is run or managed. This will inevitably open up a can of worms for yourself and will just cause a deeper kind of rupture to which you will feel more guilt and shame and eventually be placed back into the same position before, under a even harsher watchful eye.

Breaking away from the family equilibrium is largely dependent on how well your voice is heard. The voice of action can more often than not louder than the voice of screaming and shouting. So it is being mindful of how you can strategize yourself in relation to your family and make calculated decisions to allow you the greatest growing potential.

In many circumstances, the wisest thing to do is break away from the control that comes with dependency on the family unite. If they help you financially, break away from the financial assistance because this means that their control will be more acute. But if there is no tool for control, there will be less chance to have commentary on how you choose to live and express your sexual self.

This is the starting point to liberating our sexual selves. It is the first point in allowing ourselves a voice in which we can acknowledge what we truly desire and how we want to be sexually. This may feel very shaming and a terrifying prospect but all the resistance you feel points to you needing to grow through an experience to understand what true sexual freedom means. 

Many, if not all families have their particular perspectives and views on sexual expression and much of this may be conflicting to who you are trying to create according to the self-image you are wanting for yourself. This doesn’t mean it is not achievable. It really is, but it will draw on every bit of your resilience and courage to keep on pushing. 

Another factor we have to confront is our need for acceptance. This is an element that can hold you at ransom within this family system and won’t allow you to fully express your need for honouring your sexual self. The only acceptance you need to acknowledge as important is the acceptance you give yourself. You have to live in your own body and own mind and it is essential that you make peace with yourself as quickly as possible. If you don’t have the courage to work on yourself and explore every avenue, then find someone who can be a sounding board for you to do the necessary work. If you don’t, time passes by and you never get these opportunities back.

Communication within the family setting pushes you towards being open and transparent but I can’t tell you the amount of times I have fallen victim to the judgement and opinion of family members only to feel absolute shame. This occurs regardless of the intention of the family because deep down inside we all appreciate approval and validation. It comes with years of practice or consistency in emotional turmoil that we begin to turn inwards and learn to make peace with who and what we are. 

The most important aspect in this process is becoming aware of the kind of system you find yourself in. if you cannot navigate the system then seek the help from someone who can give you a better perspective on how to see through the roles and positions each person plays in the family. This may sound more psychotherapeutic than sexually focused, but these are essential issues to become aware of before the work on ones sexuality can begin. They fundamentally go hand in hand and we often have to create the space necessary, and equally the boundaries necessary to allows ourselves the room to play and explore and just be.

Be kind to yourself in this process.

Be loving to who you are.

Don’t allow yourself and your experience to be diminished.

Create space and room to breathe.

Create space to play sexually and allow yourself to explore without judgement.

Re-create a new sexual self-image and find all the necessary components and experiences to reinforce this person you are so courageously creating. 

Most importantly remember to enjoy the transformation of who you are growing into.

VAYA CON DIOS