Everyday without fail I hear at least one comment from women suggesting that men are players and bastards and have done something to hurt them. One of the most common stories I hear is “why didn’t he choose me”, or “we broke up and within 6months he found someone else and is now married”. “Why am I always the one fixing them for the next relationship”.

It is essential in knowing the psyche behind making a choice on the partner you choose.

I’ve been on a number of dates in my life thankfully gathered some key insight into this process of dating. I have a number of points of view in respect of choosing a partner.

I burnt my fingers in my earlier years is an understatement… I think crucified myself would be a better description, but I’ve learnt from these encounters and taken the opportunity in seeing how these relationships served me to grow. I saw them as platforms in understanding my thinking and behaving and made corrections to the disjointed parts in myself. Becoming aware of my masculinity and the expression thereof, in addition to knowing what a woman wants and needs in a relationship were components which added to a greater calmness within myself in reaching a point in making a decision in choosing a partner.

Regardless of everything I’ve learnt, I believe it comes down to how men make a decision on deciding a woman is the right one for them. This is completely subjective in many ways, but it will also give you insight into what many men are thinking.

As men we assess whether there will be longevity when deciding to date a woman. There is an unconscious process where men categorise women, and this can occur within the first 15 minutes of meeting someone.

Our choices are largely based on our level of awareness and how at peace we are in our own bodies and minds. This will provide us greater clarity when making a decision. However, as I have experienced in my life in periods where I had no clarity—my decisions were shabby, ill thought, and personally should have never happened. Foresight is a beautiful thing but unfortunately we have to go through an experience many times over before we learn the lesson.

I live by the very strict ideology “try, fail, try harder, and fail better”, so I had to look for the opportunity in these “failures” I called relationships. 

What occurs when you are in a place of clarity and harmony with yourself is magical. You experience love, passion, compassion and every other emotion good and bad—however the difference is that you have perspective and can accept all the veneers and multiple layers of the person you choose, including yourself. There is a greater capacity to be present with yourself and others.

Choosing a woman for a man is based on some of these principles:

Attraction

Attraction is paramount and although there are men out there who just settle for any person, these settling decisions are usually a byproduct of low self-esteem or lack of confidence in going out there and getting what you want. We all have the ability to identify something aesthetically pleasing, but yet we cower away from reaching out and embracing what we desire. I feel attraction is paramount, because it works on a multilayered system. Not only does there have to be attraction and chemistry between you both, but before that is achieved you have to consider the question: Am I an attractive individual?

This does not suggest that looks are first and foremost, yes they play a part and thankfully we all have different tastes, but this question is much deeper. You need to firstly develop what makes you an attractive individual—once this has been achieved then you are more inclined to be better equipped to create attraction and maintain being attracted to by the women in question. This places you in a position of strength where there is no pressure on you except in making the decision of which women is more suitable to you and how you want to live harmoniously with this individual.

Sexual attraction and sexual compatibility 

A partner who offers an adequate sexual encounter versus the partner who has the animalistic desire for you creates connection and intimacy like no other. Sexual attraction is essential in ones relationship, however needs to be nurtured and developed on the back of mutual trust and respect. This allows for an essential platform to be built and a greater depth in intimacy. 

What our mothers, fathers and family think of them

Finding oneself in a position where both our mother and father have an active say in our personal life, it is essential to be mindful of this process and how this can impact your personal relationship. We all hear horror stories about the mother in law and how there is this constant need for control leading to disastrous tensions between the couple. This can be true in many situations because you are bringing a new energy into a very established system. If there is a conflict in this system, the new introduction will be seen as the issue until it is removed from the system.

Key points to keep in mind when in the initial phases of your relationship are as follows: 

·      Keep her secret until you have understood her, how you relate to her, how you feel about her, how you have struggled through things together, how you argue and how you resolve matters before any form of formal introduction takes place.

·      We all want acceptance from the people close to us and this includes our chosen partner to be accepted too. Your decision is first and foremost here and although family and friends may be open to provide you with feedback on the person, be mindful that you are still sticking to a decision that is made for yourself and not for them. Any flaws or factors that you need to look out for—the reason is that when we are blinded by love, we seldom see the veneers hiding the rotting core of some people. I always go by the rule of thumb that “in equal measure to the good side of the person, there is a bad side” … Can you tolerate and accept this side to them?

·      Understand how they relate to money and know how you do too

·      Understand how they feel about family involvement and get an understanding of how they are with their family

·      Enquire into their long term goals in life and what sabotages they may have preventing them from achieving their goals.

Their financial background

The perception that money is not important in a relationship is a complete misconception. Unfortunately the lack of money can place a relationship under great deal of duress and cause unnecessary problems for a couple especially in the beginning stages. This can grow into resentment and cause a great deal of heartache. Their financial background means how do they relate to money more than how much money do they have in their bank account. If you have a question ask it, and if they have a question be open about it.

Trust

I have learnt that if you damage the trust given to you in the initial stages of a relationship, it is near impossible to eradicate the seed of doubt in the other person going forward. Yes there is always potential to fix things, however this also comes down to the person and their strength of self as to whether they are able to forgive you and move on. A concern here is that old wounds are always connected to the painful experience and any reminder of such experiences will inevitably flag up concern and doubt for the person having been pained. 

Are they willing to go through any difficulty and experience with you?

A common goal is a strengthening factor in a relationship. If one partner falls behind it really is the responsibility of the one in front to slow down and be patient and support the other to catch up. With a mutual goal this becomes more tolerable, however without a common goal this opens the couple up to resentment and doubt and no longer feeling that they should fight for the benefit of the other and the relationship. It has become too easy to give up in a relationship and this is largely down to how we are conditioned and how we are taught to relate to others. 

Do they give everything or hold back some thing’s

Giving within a relationship is something that many of us can find difficult. This is dependent on our love language. The language we use to communicate with another and receive love to maintain a constant sense of being “in love” with the person we choose. This could be words of affirmation; acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch. One thing both parties need to be conscious of, is that our partners love language might not be the same as ours. This can create misunderstanding on many levels, rendering the other misunderstood and unloved. It is essential we learn how to communicate in the others love language so that they can feel loved and cared for. A flaw in this is the partners stubbornness in thinking “why should I be the one to change”. I always point out that if one partner has understood something before the other, then it is their responsibility to nurture the other into understanding the situation.

Do they want to resolve problems or create them?

You will be surprised how many people out there want to create problems instead of actually having the desire to fix things. I think this question fits in nicely when self analyzing, from the perspective that we need to ask ourselves this fundamental question. We can have the desire for both in this question, as when we are unhappy in a relationship creating problems can be our means of sabotaging the progress and success of a relationship, whereas resolving problems is easier when we are in love with someone and we have more fuel to deal with issues. Be reflective enough to know how you are in both contexts and adjust yourself where necessary. 

Do we allow ourselves to fully surrender to the person?

This is a point that I have seen many people struggle with as ones ego takes over and causes us to become resistant to completely surrendering. I believe it is essential to be able to surrender to our partners because this ability diffuses the situation or argument almost immediately. It allows us to be more present and relatable. Being able to acknowledge where you are fallible is essential in personal growth, and something we should never fear acknowledging and being transparent about. 

Do we want to wake up and go to bed with this person?

The sharing of energies is most profuse when we go to bed. This is usually the moment when we surrender our minds to sleep and our bodies melt into the bed and we become more open and receptive in comparison to when we are awake with our veneers. No doubt if you have had the chance of going to bed with a few women, you will feel a variety of energies that are either fitting or very destructive that you don’t sleep one wink. Be mindful of this experience as it is loaded with information. 

Do we show our vulnerability?

We all show vulnerability in different ways. I believe it essential to ones wellbeing to know all the ways in which this is illustrated in ourselves and in our partner. Take the time with yourself to see how this plays out on your own and when you are around others. There is a lot of evidence that points to how we are socialized and this can give insight into how we show vulnerabilities. A rule of thumb is observe your family and the manner in which they relate, this may flag up a number of questions for you.

Do they accept our flaws and perversions? 

This questions goes hand in hand with the degree of transparency you can show with your partner. The more transparent you are, the more beneficial this experience can be. However in saying this, the key is to get in there as soon as the relationship starts. Show who you are and speak about your expectations and needs. We don’t necessarily want to scare our partner away with our deepest and darkest and nor should we need to bare all (we’re allowed to keep things to ourselves),  but being able to have a sense of acceptance from our partner is a beautiful experience in itself, and one which forces a cohesion that is paramount to your relationship success.