Igniting the Spark: Increasing Desire in Your Relationship
Apr 15, 2025
Igniting the Spark: Increasing Desire in Your Relationship
Desire in a long-term relationship can wax and wane, leaving many couples wondering if the fire they once had can be rekindled. Spoiler alert: it can! While day-to-day stress, shifting life stages, or simple familiarity may stifle intimacy, you can restore your bond with intention, open-hearted communication, and a touch of creativity. This article explores practical ways to reignite desire, drawing wisdom from thinkers like David Deida, James Allen, David Hawkins, and Alan Watts.
“But the attitude of faith is to let go, and become open to truth, whatever it might turn out to be.” – Alan Watts
Understanding the Dynamics of Desire
Desire as “Energy Seeking Completion”
According to David Deida, desire is “energy seeking completion.” It’s an active force that ebbs and flows depending on emotional connection, physical attraction, communication, and overall relationship satisfaction. Over time, routine, stress, or unresolved issues can dampen this energy.
The good news? Restoring desire involves conscious effort and an openness to adapt your habits. Deida’s view is that if couples intentionally cultivate intimacy, they can experience deeper emotional and sexual bonds, rather than succumbing to monotony.
Cultivating Emotional Intimacy
The Foundation of Desire
Emotional intimacy is the groundwork for heightened desire. When you and your partner feel emotionally safe and seen, desire can flourish. James Allen reminded us that “A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life.” In other words, we each shape our relational environment—so if you want deeper desire, nurture emotional closeness.
1. Open and Honest Communication
“No valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now.” – Alan Watts
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Active Listening: Put aside devices, maintain eye contact, and let your partner speak without interruption.
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Transparency: Share your feelings about your love life—any anxieties, hopes, or sexual curiosities. When trust is present, so is vulnerability.
2. Quality Time
“The presence of love will change us.” – David Hawkins
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Scheduled Connection: Mark specific times for in-depth chats, playful bonding, or simply relaxed togetherness.
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Digital Detox: Even one tech-free evening a week can rejuvenate emotional ties.
3. Express Appreciation
“The grateful mind is constantly fixed upon the best; therefore, it tends to become the best.” – Florence Scovel Shinn
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Highlight Strengths: Compliment your partner’s personality, accomplishments, or the little things they do.
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Verbal and Non-Verbal: Communicate gratitude verbally or with affectionate gestures like random hugs or surprise notes.
Spicing Up Physical Intimacy
Pleasure Beyond Routine
Physical closeness is a powerful contributor to desire. David Deida posits that sex can be a spiritual practice—a means to transcend day-to-day stress and connect on multiple levels.
1. Novelty and Excitement
“This is the real secret of life—to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now.” – Alan Watts
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Try New Activities Together: Shared adventures—even non-sexual—spark novelty and can ripple into the bedroom.
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Sensory Exploration: Experiment with scented candles, new locations, or playful surprises like changing up your bedroom décor to awaken the senses.
2. Prioritise Sensual Touch
“In a real relationship, your sexual essence is just as powerful outside the bedroom as it is inside.” – David Deida
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Everyday Affection: A gentle back rub while your partner cooks or leaning in for a heartfelt hug after work fosters ongoing physical connection.
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Lingering Kisses: Slow down routine kisses—practising mindful presence can inject deeper meaning into small acts of touch.
3. Role-Play or Fantasy Sharing
“Take the essence of your sexual fantasy and live it. That is your offering to your beloved.” – David Deida
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Open Discussion: If comfortable, share fantasies or scenarios that intrigue you. If both consent, explore them responsibly.
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Mini-Role-Plays: Begin with subtle playful scenarios—like “pretend first date”—and see if it enlivens your intimacy.
Rekindling Desire Outside the Bedroom
Desire isn’t confined to sexual acts. Cultivating closeness in daily life enhances sexual energy. As David Deida reminds us, “Your capacity to be intimate with your lover depends upon your capacity to be intimate with yourself.”
1. Shared Interests
“If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you lack.” – David Hawkins
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Hobby Collaboration: Cook a meal side by side, start a home project, or enrol in a workshop. You might rediscover each other’s curious, playful qualities.
2. Surprise Acts of Kindness
“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” – Alan Watts
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Spontaneous Gestures: Surprise your partner with a love note, a favourite meal, or a small gift. This sense of being cherished can trigger renewed attraction.
3. Maintain Flirtation
“As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” – James Allen
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Playful Banter: Slip subtle compliments or innuendos during mundane tasks.
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Tease Gently: Revive that spark of pursuit by sending a spicy text or whispering a flirty remark when passing each other at home.
FAQs about Increasing Desire in Your Relationship
Q1: Is it normal for desire to fluctuate in long-term relationships?
Yes. Desire naturally shifts over time due to factors like stress, health changes, or routine. Open communication and conscious effort can help restore passion.
(David Deida’s perspective: “Embrace the challenges that come with love.”)
Q2: What if our desire levels differ significantly?
Discuss differences honestly. A shared willingness to compromise—whether that’s exploring more frequent or spontaneous moments—can bridge the gap.
(Alan Watts suggests, “Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone,” i.e. approach calmly rather than forcing immediate fixes.)
Q3: Does boosting desire also improve overall relationship satisfaction?
Usually, yes. Strengthening sexual desire often correlates with deeper emotional bonds, communication, and contentment in the relationship.
(David Hawkins: “The highest levels of performance come to people who are centered, intuitive, creative, and reflective.”)
Conclusion
Rekindling desire in a long-term relationship demands purposeful effort, open dialogue, and an eagerness to experiment—both in and out of the bedroom. By nurturing emotional intimacy, reinvigorating physical closeness, and weaving desire into everyday life, you can reignite the spark and build a more fulfilling partnership.
As David Deida says, “You can open to God through sex and you can open to sex through God.” In other words, the depth of sexual union transcends mere physical acts. Approach rekindling desire as an evolving journey, and savour the vibrant connection that emerges once you both commit to the path. By adopting the right mindset—mindful presence, communication, and heartfelt appreciation—your relationship can bloom into renewed passion and sustained intimacy.
Vaya Con Dios
Take to heart James Allen’s words: “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” Your intentions, thoughts, and emotional openness shape the reality of your love life. Embrace that power and enjoy rediscovering each other again and again.
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