The exploration of masculine and feminine energies should be given more attention in research because I feel that both masculinity and femininity are key components in understanding relationships in greater depth. The intention in this understanding is to essentially assist individuals and couples in navigating their own independent masculinity and femininity while becoming more relatable and understanding to either their partner or other individuals in the world.

The masculine and feminine energies represent counterbalances to one another and regardless of the quantified measure of masculine or feminine, in relation to one another they are always in a state of balance. Difficulty arises in knowing how to relate ones masculine and feminine to another person’s masculine and feminine energies. This is even more difficult when someone doesn’t have any idea of their own energies and how they impact their lives.

If we take neediness into consideration. There are a number of biases that have been socially constructed and placed on gender rather than understanding them from an energetic perspective. 

Through observation, the needy woman is far more acceptable than the needy man per se. The manner in which women have been depicted over the years is the image of being naggy and needy. This has been an “issue that men have had to contend with”, and a flippant example would be “Oh the wife is being needy again or breaking my balls etc.”

In respect of a needy man, the overall consensus is that this represents a weakness in his masculinity. There is almost an immediate repulsion from his female counterpart and a generalised “diagnosis” of being weak. 

There are two perspectives that need exploration here. The one is from the individual experiencing the neediness of the other and the other perspective is from the individual who experiences their own neediness. The matter in question is how do both parties navigate their independent but yet connected experiences. 

The individual experiencing their own neediness (an internal gauntlet):

Feeling needy is a sensation that occurs that is very difficult to ignore. It prompts us to become jealous, insecure, needing safety, needing reassurance, needing comfort and protection. The problem is that as a child these feelings are much easier to manage because we look to an adult to provide some sense of perspective and soothing in our growth. However when we are adults, when we look to another adult in providing the same security as we did as children we are met with adverse reaction in them.

Neediness needs to be understood as a conversation between our inner child and our current inner adult. We need to actively and consciously choose to allow the adult in us to soothe the child. This could mean something entirely different for all people experiencing neediness. This neediness may present itself within a relationship or may simply be a generalised sense of neediness and insecurity. Here are some points to consider from the perspective of the individual experiencing the neediness: 

1.      Use common sense: write down on what the situation is and assess how your behaviour does not align itself with the thinking in the situation. Once you have understood that there is a misalignment and that you are acting out, ask yourself how you want to be relating to the situation as an adult. The key here is that you do not allow the emotions to dictate the manner in which you relate to the situation, instead you actively guide yourself to listen to the adult voice and instruct, or coach yourself to being in a logical frame of mine. This will be difficult given that emotions are ruling you at many instances and that you have to take control here and not allow them to dictate how you relate.

2.     Identify whether someone is triggering you to become needy: in a lot of couples and relationships, it is unfortunate but the one partner may be triggering us to develop feelings of neediness and reassurance. This is because they have not been conscious enough of their actions and not maintained a level of transparency for you to be clear on the situation. This is a good opportunity for you to bring adult conversation into the picture and speak to your partner explaining how their behaviour makes you feel triggered, but then equally be mindful that you need to be doing the work on yourself to lessen the potential impact of your partners behaviour on your neediness being triggered.

3.     What are you actually needing: this question is vital to be asked. Ask yourself truly what you are needing in the moment. Many times in our state of neediness we are unable to ask for what we need because we feel ashamed or guilty, so we have to broadcast our needy behaviour in the hope that our partner is going to realise that you need some part of you fulfilled or soothed in order to function better. Don’t place yourself in a position to assume that the other person knows what you want. Rather be clear in telling them what you need and then readjust your relationship if they cannot give you what you need.

4.     Knowing Vs doing: if you have assessed that your behaviour is not appropriate in your adult mind, do not go and sabotage yourself by placing yourself back in the fire if you have made a decision. There will be a part of you which will feel insecure because you are lacking certainty. This is where neediness gets the better of you and will trigger you to go back in and seek for reassurance. This reassurance needs to come from you. Make a decision and stick to it, then ride out the emotions and understand that there is an end to the emotional rollercoaster when you decide on the ending. 

The individual experiencing their partners neediness:

For the individual experiencing the neediness of their partner will be a situation that can be very pressing and testing. When someone is consistently needed to provide security and reassurance to someone who is experiencing an illogical insecurity (this is often seen as illogical in the eyes of the partner), they will reach a point of intolerance. 

Now tolerance is a virtue that we all need to learn and develop and master in my opinion, but many of us fall short of this tolerance when we move out of the being in love phase. This is where we need to consider some of these points in being able to manage and navigate a relationship better in the face of neediness:

1.     Understanding the neediness: more than likely you will be faced with the needy partner completely engulfed by the emotional content., while you will be in a logical and unemotional space. This will already be one of the primary triggers bringing you into the emotional frame in the couple. Be mindful that this trigger point can be managed by assisting your partner to move away from the emotional content of the situation to one of a more logical space. We also need to be equipped enough to do so in a kind manner, realising that not everyone is emotionally equipped to deal with insecurity and feeling unsafe. Our level of tolerance will be tested but when you look at your partner lovingly then you will be more equipped in being able to manage their emotional state without getting caught up into it.

2.     Solution mode is not necessarily the best mode to be in: when we are not in the emotional experience itself, it is far easier for us to navigate the situation by providing solutions to the problem. This no doubt will trigger your partner more because when we are in a state of heightened emotion we often feel justified in being the emotional state. Now we have someone trying to pull us out which forces us to remain in a child position and avoiding responsibility of making a choice to pull our own self out of the emotional state. By being able to be present in the emotional space with our partner and not necessarily provide solutions but try to understand what and how we got to this point will allow your partner the space to make a decision in your presence. This will allow them to become more in control of their own emotional state.

3.     Becoming dismissive will only add fuel to the fire: As a rule of thumb, do not dismiss the emotional state and neediness of your partner. There is nothing worse when someone is trying to display their emotions and you have a partner who rubbishes the feelings. This will trigger anyone to become more aggressive and more engrained in that particular emotional state. If you are being triggered learn to communicate and equally learn to understand that we are only really triggered when we are not present and attuned to the situation. 

The overcoming of neediness can be done on an individual level or within a couple. The key component is understanding and nurturing that is needed to moving away from this emotional state. If you are feeling needy, it is the same as defensiveness for me. When we experience defensiveness, our narrative needs to be changed to “if I feel defensive then there is something I have to grow through, not go through”. The same can be said for neediness. If I experience neediness then I have to growth through the neediness and not ignore it and simply go through the experience. There is a very active stance that we have to take from n adult position and become the adult we need us to be. Not for the rest of the world essentially, but for our own inner child.