Boundaries are one of the most important factors to consider in any relationship. The communication of which is not always the easiest. The first step in being effective in placing helpful boundaries within a relationship is firstly knowing where YOUR limitations are. This can of course be a process in trying to understand where these boundaries lie, but a simple mechanism I use with my clients is getting them to identify where they feel resistant to certain suggestions, or pressures from the people around them or their partners. 

The moment they can consciously identify the emotional resistance that arises in a relational situation is the moment that they can begin to question what the resistance is about. Once there is clarity on what the resistance is about, then it can be communicated more effectively to one’s partner. 

Points to consider when setting boundaries:

Type of relationship

The type of relationship one enters will usually come with a set of unspoken boundaries that we have been conditioned to expect. Personally never hold back unvoiced expectations because you will more than likely get it wrong. However, if we were going to take monogamous relationships versus polyamorous relationships into consideration, you will find that both have many similarities in boundaries but they are very different in many ways.

In a monogamous relationship there is much less fluidity in expressing your sexuality with anyone outside of the relationship so it can be assumed that this would be frowned upon. This does not mean that you find a very open partner who doesn’t mind you exploring with others, but their boundary may be that they themselves do not want to, or need to explore with others. In respect of a polyamorous relationship, there is an unspoken inevitability that one or both partners at some stage of the relationship will feel the desire to include another person in the mix. 

An important step is to be very clear on the type of relationship you are entering into and because you are clear on the type you are wanting doesn’t necessarily mean that this is what your partner is wanting. Ask the question and have an open and frank discussion on how you want to define the type of relationship.

Needs

In order to be engaged in a relationship your needs need to be met. I’d love to believe that relationships are not transactional in nature but they very much are. Each person has a threshold to how much they are able to withstand when they are not having their needs met. So being mindful to this is important in being able to navigate where you want to establish your boundaries. Your needs when communicated will give rise to further conversation as to whether you partner is able to adapt themselves to these needs or they are reflective enough to recognise that they have limitations in being able to provide what you’re looking for. This is the first leg of the tripod.

Wants

The second leg of the tripod being your wants or desires in a relationship. Your wants will also inform where you place your boundaries because if your partner cannot provide what you’re wanting then this discussion will open up the potential of you looking elsewhere to fulfil the want. This does not necessarily mean sexually speaking but it is closely associated with your desires in life and what you want to achieve or acquire in life. Sometimes the desire for freedom can be a central want and the acknowledgement from your partner to accept such a want will allow you the fluidity you need to strive.

Expectations 

The third leg and one of the most important parts to this tripod are your expectations. Your expectations and your partners expectations need to be discussed constantly until there is a mutual understanding and certainty as to where to place your boundaries and also whether to accept the expectations or not. It is important to remember that you always have a choice to alter and change things that are not working out for you but they need to be voiced and discussed so that there is no assumption.

The unknown/let’s explore

The unknown is inevitable and as the human mind, spirit and experience grows there will be either a sense of contentment or a sense to strive and explore and understand more. This is important for the couple to understand where they fit into this process because more often than not one party will want to play with the unknown more than the other. It is important to understand where each other’s limitations are in this process so you know whether to invest this exploratory energy into the relationship or it needs to be translated into something else constructive for you.

If the scenario presents itself that you are uncertain about your boundaries, we can always turn to communicating a feeling to our partner. This is the communication of emotional discomfort to our partner. This can be done by expressing that there is a great deal of emotional discomfort in your body and you feel somewhat resistant. By voicing this, it will allow you both the opportunity to understand what is needed to contain this discomfort.