Following on from my previous blog post about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), one topic that is seldom spoken about is the role of healing the narcissist. We are very focused on the healing of the victim but not so much on the healing of the narcissist.

Yes it makes sense that it is difficult to heal someone with narcissistic personality disorder, primarily because the likelihood of you actually getting this individual to come to a therapy session is slim to none. But this doesn’t mean that something cannot be done to assist someone isolated in their narcissism.

On a lesser level, there is a greater likelihood that the individual with narcissistic traits is more diagnosable as someone suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), because there is still a great deal of functionality in relationships within this individual. You will find yourself in relationships with this kind of partner and fall deeply in love with them, however there is often a turning point where the narcissistic wound is touched on because they have hidden this from you, and this brings out a different version of this person.

On the one hand, this type of individual wants to relate with you, but due to their deeply conditioned behaviours and protective mechanisms they have learnt over their lifespan it makes for relating very difficult as there is always some sense of conflict and control needing to be managed.

I find it particularly interesting that this type of individual will always find someone who is more empathic than narcissistic, and this in itself is a potential problem because it can lead towards the cycle of violence, depending on the severity of the borderline personality disorder. This makes it very hard for the other person to endure this type of treatment and they either will flee or depending on the situation feel it necessary to stay and rescue the situation.

Drawing on the Karpman drama triangle, the basis of its creation is founded on social human interaction. This triangle maps the types of destructive interaction that can occur between people in conflict. As you can see below there are three fundamental positions that can be adopted in any interaction or conflict. In respect of someone in a narcissistic cycle, they will predominantly oscillate between the victim and the persecutor roles. This positions the partner to always be the rescuer, which in itself sounds like a noble position to be in, but this is very tiresome and draining mentally and physically.

If you look at the second triangle I’ve drawn, there is one noticeable difference that Karpman doesn’t use in the original triangle. This is the role of being Neutral in any form of conflict.

You’ll find that learning how to sit with discomfort and conflict and make peace with the emotional conflict rather than acting in any of the other three positions will destabilise the individual with narcissistic tendencies. This pushes them potentially to become stronger in their manipulation tactics and although this sounds terrible because you know how bad they can become, it does arm you with a power that they cannot penetrate.

This is the position that I find most helpful because if you are aiming at assisting this individual to heal, then this is the only manner I have come across that works. It is either this, or leaving, but in many circumstances there are many factors preventing you to leave i.e. children, mortgage, family, many other systemic issues. So by arming yourself with an impenetrable ability to be neutral and not impacted, you will find your relationship far more manageable.

If the individual struggling with this narcissistic component to them has some amenability and are open to some suggestion, one of the most effective alternative therapies that is gaining a lot of traction and much investment in time and resources is the role of ayahuasca and psilocybin.

These hallucinogens are found in nature and come in the form of mushrooms (Psilocybin), truffles (Psilocybin) and the mixture which is ayahuasca (Banisteriopsis caapi vine and the Psychotria Viridis shrub). There are many other plant based hallucinogens that I haven’t mentioned so I will focus on these for the moment.

The simplified manner in which I see these plant hallucinogens is that they are medicine and should be treated as such. The usage of these substances (in particular mushrooms) has been for recreational usage but the manner in which I am speaking here, is very much about using them for self-discovery and breaking down barriers of control that are only fuelling suffering in yourself and in your relationships. 

Most people have very sedimented blockages and avoid wanting to change and you will find many professionals advocate that people remain the same in their socially constructed bubbles rather than stripping back the veneer and actually looking at the behaviours and thinking patterns that aren’t actually serving you except for maintaining the current status you hold. The support for this kind of maintenance is that there was a very real reason behind the creation of such a manner of relating. Almost a type of survival instinct that kicked in and they saved themselves by developing such ways of relating. 

This makes a lot of sense in the creation of the self-image that the individual has constructed, but when you find individuals who are not working in the positive for themselves or others, and they recognise something is wrong. They fundamentally need assistance. We are very fortunate that we live in the current climate that self-help is not frowned upon any longer and there is a great likelihood that each and every single one of us needs assistance at some point. The only stigma to reaching out will come from yourself as there are so many means of receiving help if you want it.

Most of us cannot sit with discomfort. The same applies to the individual with the narcissistic wound. But when you embark on a journey taking ayahuasca or psilocybin with a “proper” shaman who can contain and facilitate the ceremony, you are placing yourself in a situation to face yourself. There is no time frame but it does end. There is no loss of control because you don’t need to control anything. It is like entering into a train and having to go through a tunnel regardless of how long the tunnel is.

The point is that it provides you a moment in your life where you are completely resigned to the healing of plant based medicine. You are metaphorically taken by the hand and shown whatever you need to see. This can be ugly, can be beautiful or it can be nothing at all. But what it is, is profound and the most important take away is that you learn to sit with all the discomfort that is in your soul. You open the door to full acceptance and surrender to what and who you are.

So, try be open enough to look at other types of therapies. But keep in mind that a central focus is engaging in therapies that hold you accountable and help you face yourself.

Vaya Con Dios