I am fortunate to work with many couples on their journey almost daily. A common theme that arises in the therapy sessions I provide is the feeling of being completely alone and isolated within the relationship.

This sense of isolation can emerge at any stage of a relationship but often results from feeling unheard by our partner. When our requests for change—such as improvements in behaviour, an increase in desire, better communication, or feeling seen and appreciated—are not acknowledged, we begin to experience micro-ruptures. These micro-ruptures gradually accumulate, forming what I refer to as an "untreated wound."

This accumulation of unaddressed hurt often leads to resentment and fuels internal narratives that shape our perception of the world. Research has shown that unresolved conflicts and feelings of neglect can significantly impact relationship satisfaction and individual well-being (Gottman, 1999).

This point is where we must make a crucial adjustment. The issue may not be entirely about our partner; instead, it often lies within us. If we dismantle our inner narrative—the one that connects our partner's behaviour to negative beliefs about ourselves—we can interpret what is happening in a more logical, less self-critical manner. Studies suggest that cognitive reframing, or altering how we perceive certain situations, can improve relationship outcomes and personal mental health (Beck, 1979).

Non-Attachment to the Narrative

The first piece of advice is to learn how to detach from your internal narrative. Reduce the weight that this story holds over your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. People act based on their motivations and experiences, often independently of us. Therefore, we should not assume responsibility for their actions unless necessary. Developing emotional resilience and reducing personalizing behaviours are key to maintaining balance in a relationship (Kabat-Zinn, 1990).

Establishing a Barometer System

We all need a barometer system to help us navigate our relationships. This system combines logic, intuition, and feelings, helping us assess whether we should continue investing in the relationship or if it is time to consider other options. Persisting blindly in a relationship where we feel alone contradicts the fundamental idea of partnership. Relationships are about being together and encouraging both individual and shared growth. When neither is consistently prioritized, ruptures become inevitable.

Balancing Individuality and Togetherness

One challenge is that people often lose their sense of individuality for the perceived well-being of their partner, even if the partner has not explicitly asked for this sacrifice. Over time, both parties may become conditioned to this dynamic. It’s crucial to re-establish boundaries and clarify what we are and are not willing to accept. This awareness sets the stage for open, constructive communication.

Addressing Loneliness in the Relationship

Discussing feelings of loneliness is never easy, especially since these conversations are often met with defensiveness. The key is to create a structured dialogue system that allows both partners to share their perspectives in a mature and supportive way. Remember, you are both on the same team.

Key Points to Consider When Feeling Alone in Your Relationship:

1. What is the source of this loneliness?
2. Is it primarily about you, or does it involve your partner’s behaviour?
3. Have you emotionally or mentally withdrawn from the relationship?
4. Have you checked out of the relationship in terms of your heart, mind, or sexuality?
5. Is communication open, or do conversations repeatedly hit the same dead ends?
6. How do both partners process emotions, and how long does it take to reconnect and re-establish flow?
7. Are both parties committed to self-improvement?
8. Do you have shared goals, or is one partner putting in more effort than the other?
9. Are you both avoiding conversations about the resentment that has built up from micro-ruptures?
10. Do you both genuinely want to be together?

Answering these questions will help you better understand your situation and navigate the complexities of your relationship. Research shows that addressing feelings of loneliness and unmet needs can improve relationship satisfaction and emotional well-being (Hawkley & Cacioppo, 2010).

Ultimately, I recommend speaking with a professional about these issues. An impartial third party can highlight blind spots and provide valuable insights throughout the relationship process. Evidence-based therapeutic approaches, like Emotionally Focused Therapy (Johnson, 2004), can be particularly effective in creating deeper understanding and connection.

I have also written a workbook that will guarantee assist you both in this journey. The only thing that is needed is a bit of time and togetherness.