This is a question I get asked and debate very often because there is no clear-cut answer to it. This is always a question of your values and boundaries. In my experience, I always feel that it is an unfortunate occurrence when you have someone you have chosen to be a friend, and they too have chosen to be a friend and somewhere along the line you notice that they start “catching feelings”. I quite like this phase, but don’t like it very much when it happens to me:)

The problem is at this point; the friendship cannot be maintained because it is the suffering of the other that really makes me feel pressurised. This is regardless of the amount of digesting the situation or explaining that you don’t see the person that way, but inevitably reaches a point where I have to break the friendship off for both parties.

There are so many arguments for or against this mindset, and I’d very much expect the other person to potentially end the friendship if it were to happen to me. It still remains an issue because the foundation of most friendships rests on attraction. There is fundamentally an attraction to the person because you like this individual. This individual then sees sides of you that potentially no one else sees and brings about a chemistry that once again, no one else sees.

I do believe that two people can be the best of friends and have the deepest of love for each other but not engage sexually, but this also comes down to the ability of two people to navigate their friend relationship and steer all emotions towards something constructive for themselves. Your friendship almost becomes a source of inspiration for other things in your life, so the life-force of the friendship is not tarnished.

I was sent an interesting position on friendship and relationships by Mark Manson the author of “The subtle art of not giving a F*ck” where he explains 5 different levels of friendship. Not only is it a great read but he speaks about level 5 being the highest level that can be reached in friendship. This is the position where “we’re practically family”. The key component to this that resonates the most with me, is that there is an unexplainable loyalty towards this person.

It is this loyalty that I believe is the central pillar to how I see friendships and the disappointment I experience is because I have invested a kind of energy into the friendship that is more than “just a friend” type of energy. I do see this person as family.

Another problem arises on the back of the potential attraction you can feel for this individual. If both of you engage in sex what are the potential outcomes?

1.     friends with benefits until one falls in love 

2.     friends with benefits until both fall in love 

3.     it’s a once off sexual experience which actually solidifies the friendship and makes it more profound (almost like, let’s get the sex out the way and see if it is worth investing in)

4.     The sexual experience becomes the rupture to the friendship and one or both can’t recover from the over stimulation in intimacy

5.     the sex is so great that it opens up a brand-new door to the potential foundation you have built on the friendship leading to a proper relationship 

I am very sure there are many other variables which can contribute to the final outcome of the friendship, but the most important aspect is can you be authentic and transparent enough with your friend. 

There are many people who are in friendships and they know that the other party has feelings for them, but the other person is able to deal with them and friendship reaches a type of equilibrium in itself. I don’t believe this type of friendship ever reaches a level 5 type of relationship but nonetheless it can be something where both people get something from it.

Be true to yourself and your friend and see how transparent you can become. But also remember that the terms and conditions are down to you both, so the friendship can have the weirdest of conditions, but they can be owned by both of you. That’s what counts.

Vaya Con Dios